I worry sometimes that I will forget everything.
I worry I will forget all of the things that have created me and shaped the person I am. Because sometimes I do. Sometimes I forget things. And I don’t realize I have forgotten them until its 3am and I’m crying in my bed and a memory forces its way back into my head. It could be 10 days old, or 10 years old, but still, I realize it is something I have forgotten, because only now am I remembering it. And I worry that one day these memories wont reappear. That one day, I will forget forever. And so I find myself ruminating over these memories. Assessing them again and again, trying to determine if they are memories that are vital to my existence. If they are worth putting in the extra effort to try to remember forever. But I can never decide.
There are so many bad memories, and as much as I want to forget all of them, I find myself feeling as if they are the reason I am who I am. And I feel like I will lose parts of who I am if I lose those memories. But some of them are so little I do not know if they are important. Mustn’t they be if I am even considering them to be? Just because they are little does not mean they’re insignificant, right? I do not know.
And are these memories worth the space? That is the most important question. I know simply because of the amount of forgetting I do that my brain does not have an infinite storage capacity. So I feel as though I have to choose which memories are worth the space. But I cannot come to any conclusion. Ever.
So here I am, another 3am night, worrying about something I’m not even sure I have any control over.
Right now, at 19 years old I am only trying to sort through 19 years of memories and I can’t even successfully do it. I cannot even begin to imagine how hard this will be when I have 50 or more years of memories. And that terrifies me. I’m afraid of getting older because I’m afraid of forgetting. I want to remember the things that make me who I am. But everything, even the littlest of things such as what I ate for breakfast this morning, have played a part in making me who I am right now in this very moment. And on top of it all, who I am is always changing. I am constantly growing into someone different. Tomorrow evening, depending on what life throws at me during the day, I will be ever so slightly or possibly majorly different. So how am I supposed to keep up? I am overwhelmed by my own brain and it’s exhausting. I wish I could just let it all be and let whatever memories stay, stay, and whatever memories go, go. But I cant. I’m too caught up in the possible importance of things.
And all of this seemingly unnecessary thinking is taking up precious space too.